Thirty Three...

Thirty three is the number of my friends on Facebook that have their kids in their profile picture. That's 33 out of 185, roughly 20%, of my friends on facebook identify themselves first and foremost as parents. It's funny, because I am always commenting about how everyone I know is pregnant, but the reality is, many of my friends aren't pregnant, they are parents already. This isn't any sort of great revelation or surprise, of course. I'm 31, most of my friends got married shortly after graduating from veterinary school which was 4 years ago, a baby boom should be expected. It's just one more confirmation that what we are trying to achieve by having a baby, isn't a crazy request. We're not asking for the moon and stars, we just want what so many others are able to have with very little effort.

Second Thoughts

So, I know that I'm the one who said we needed to take a break, but the not-trying may actually be worse than the trying-but-failing that I have become so familiar with. I'm thinking we may need to go back to the RE next week to talk about what we can do moving forward. We have started to talk very seriously about IVF, but I am honestly not educated enough about the process. We need some guidance about what is best for our situation before we make a decision.

On another note, I have been studying for my candidacy (generals) exam at school. For those who haven't had the pleasure of enduring this test, it is one of many hoops that I must jump through to get my PhD. The exam is 2 parts, written and oral. The written exam, which I get to take in 2 weeks, is a 4 day-long essay exam which is designed to test specific knowledge in my area of research as well as my analytical ability. The oral exam is 2 weeks after the written and generally involves grilling the candidate on anything they didn't answer well on the written. It also involves questions which are not even remotely related to my area of research, I've heard of people being asked things like "how old is the universe" and "what is the milky way". This portion of the exam is designed to "take the candidate down a peg" and show them that they don't know quite as much as they think they do. I am scared shitless to take this exam, but at the same time, I am so excited to have it done (assuming I pass).

Hello, Depression.

Well, I moved through the stages pretty quickly this month. I'm in the depression stage. I tested this morning and got (another) BFN followed several hours later, by cramps and spotting. I think it's safe to say that this cycle was a bust. I am heartbroken, yet again.
Tim and I will be taking a break for awhile in hopes of rejuvenating our spirits. I don't know how long the break will last, but I'm guessing 2 months or so. After that, we will meet with the RE and talk about doing one or 2 more medicated cycles with IUI and then moving onto IVF.
I just need to think about the timing and what would be best in relation to my graduation and board exams.
Hoping acceptance comes soon,
Lisa

The Stages of Grief

I think that one of the hardest things about IF is the hope-loss cycle that occurs every month. With each new cycle, comes new hope that the treatment will work and I will finally get pregnant. I take my medications, go to my appointments endure the tests and procedures all with hope for a successful cycle. The 2ww also starts off with so much hope, even if everything didn't go perfectly, as long as I ovulated, I am hopeful that I could be pregnant that cycle.
I continue charting my temps and looking for clues that I'm pregnant. If things look good, I will generally start testing around 11DPO which is a bit early, but not impossible to detect a pregnancy. From 11DPO and my first BFN (which was today, by the way), I start working my way through the stages of grief at the loss of a pregnancy that never even happened. I begin, as most do, with denial. I keep testing and hoping and with every BFN I get one step closer to realizing that it didn't happen, yet again.
I then make the abrupt transition to anger. I can't stand to look at pregnant women, I yell at the TV when I hear stories of women neglecting their children and teens dumping their unplanned babies in the nearest garbage can. I can't understand why they get to have a baby and we can't. It seems so unfair and I get angry at the world for this injustice.
After anger comes bargaining. I don't consciously make bargains, but I do change some things at the point right before AF shows her ugly face. I stop drinking (not that I drink much anyway), I focus on my eating, I clean the house and basically act like a pregnant person. Maybe this is my way of bargaining. -Hey, if I prove to the world that I am a good person, worthy of a baby, it will happen, despite the multiple negative tests.
Well, bargaining has failed for 18 cycles now and when it does, and AF shows, the next step settles in, depression. I cry, I mope, I sleep more and I just plain hate the thought of trying again. This is the worst I think, for me and for Tim. I know he hates seeing me like this and he really hates hearing me say that I want to give up. It's always the depression talking, because I want a baby more than anything, but in the depression days, the thought of going through the loss again is more than I can bear.
All of my treatments have started on CD3, so the final stage generally comes at some point that day. Acceptance. I have to move on, I have to keep trying and to do that, I have to let go of past failures.
And then the cycle begins again...

Ovulation?

After my RE told me that the cycle was a bust and I could start taking prometrium any time to trigger my period, I was beyond bummed. I decided not to start the prometruim right away because we were going to be traveling and going to a fundraiser event and I didn't want to be tired, which is one side effect of the drug. I kept taking my temps and tracking them just to see how things went. Surprisingly, on Friday last week, my temp jumped up. I continued taking my temps through the week and wouldn't ya know, it looks like I ovulated afterall. I went in this morning for a blood progesterone level not only to confirm, but to be sure that my RE knows that I did eventually ovulate.
Without the IUI, our chances are still pretty darn low, but low chances are better than no chance at all so I'll take it! Since my LP is so long, I've got about 7 to 10 more days of waiting before I can find out if we are pregnant. Fingers crossed!

Just Ducky :(

Well, yesterday was our 2 year wedding anniversary and it was a crappy day.
We spent the weekend in Hocking Hills which was nice. We brought the dogs and stayed in a little secluded cabin. We hiked and went canoeing and Tim took lots of pictures of the beautiful sites, including a nest full of 5 baby birds on the patio just outside our door.
I had a follicle scan (transvaginal ultrasound) on Thursday that showed 2 follicles on my left ovary and 1 on my right all between 11 and 13 mm. In order to get my trigger shot and do IUI, I needed to have at least one 20 mm follicle so I was scheduled for a recheck yesterday with high hopes of sufficient growth.
Not so much...
All 3 follicles were the same size or smaller than they were on Thursday and to add insult to injury, the doctor found a calcified nodule on my right ovary that may or may not be something to worry about. Happy anniversary...
So, after all of the crappy side effects, clomid was a bust.
My doctor gave me a few choices for the next round. We could up the dosage of clomid, keep the dosage the same and add metformin, do injectables or try femara again.
Right now, Tim and I have decided to take a break for a month or 2. I need to study for my candidacy exam and more than anything, I just need some time off. We have been trying to get pregnant for 18 months now. With temping and pills and TI and OPKs and 2WWs and month after month of disappointment, we need to focus on us for a little while.
I'll still post, but it will be more about what we are doing and things not TTC related.

The Clomid Monster

Well, last cycle was a bust, again. My RE doesn't want me on Femara so I'm doing clomid this cycle and hopefully IUI. One of the reasons that I chose Femara (when I had a choice) was the side effects were reported to be less severe. On Femara, I had a few headaches, hot flashes and night sweats with crazy dreams, but my moods were manageable and once I finished the 5 day course of meds, the s/e eased off.
I am currently on my 3rd day of Clomid and I am already fighting with myself not to injure someone. Things that ordinarily irk me, send me into an angry tailspin and the more I try to pull myself out of it, the angrier I get. I've also had hot flashes that could melt the polar ice cap. I've heard that these s/e won't go away for several weeks after finishing the meds (just in time to start again), but I am hopeful that I will be able to manage them better over time.
Tim is working on a bunker in the basement that he can hide out in until the rage wears off. I'm wondering if it would be safer for everyone if I go live downstairs for the next few weeks. Ugh!