Well, yesterday was our 2 year wedding anniversary and it was a crappy day.
We spent the weekend in Hocking Hills which was nice. We brought the dogs and stayed in a little secluded cabin. We hiked and went canoeing and Tim took lots of pictures of the beautiful sites, including a nest full of 5 baby birds on the patio just outside our door.
I had a follicle scan (transvaginal ultrasound) on Thursday that showed 2 follicles on my left ovary and 1 on my right all between 11 and 13 mm. In order to get my trigger shot and do IUI, I needed to have at least one 20 mm follicle so I was scheduled for a recheck yesterday with high hopes of sufficient growth.
Not so much...
All 3 follicles were the same size or smaller than they were on Thursday and to add insult to injury, the doctor found a calcified nodule on my right ovary that may or may not be something to worry about. Happy anniversary...
So, after all of the crappy side effects, clomid was a bust.
My doctor gave me a few choices for the next round. We could up the dosage of clomid, keep the dosage the same and add metformin, do injectables or try femara again.
Right now, Tim and I have decided to take a break for a month or 2. I need to study for my candidacy exam and more than anything, I just need some time off. We have been trying to get pregnant for 18 months now. With temping and pills and TI and OPKs and 2WWs and month after month of disappointment, we need to focus on us for a little while.
I'll still post, but it will be more about what we are doing and things not TTC related.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Friday, June 11, 2010
The Clomid Monster
Well, last cycle was a bust, again. My RE doesn't want me on Femara so I'm doing clomid this cycle and hopefully IUI. One of the reasons that I chose Femara (when I had a choice) was the side effects were reported to be less severe. On Femara, I had a few headaches, hot flashes and night sweats with crazy dreams, but my moods were manageable and once I finished the 5 day course of meds, the s/e eased off.
I am currently on my 3rd day of Clomid and I am already fighting with myself not to injure someone. Things that ordinarily irk me, send me into an angry tailspin and the more I try to pull myself out of it, the angrier I get. I've also had hot flashes that could melt the polar ice cap. I've heard that these s/e won't go away for several weeks after finishing the meds (just in time to start again), but I am hopeful that I will be able to manage them better over time.
Tim is working on a bunker in the basement that he can hide out in until the rage wears off. I'm wondering if it would be safer for everyone if I go live downstairs for the next few weeks. Ugh!
I am currently on my 3rd day of Clomid and I am already fighting with myself not to injure someone. Things that ordinarily irk me, send me into an angry tailspin and the more I try to pull myself out of it, the angrier I get. I've also had hot flashes that could melt the polar ice cap. I've heard that these s/e won't go away for several weeks after finishing the meds (just in time to start again), but I am hopeful that I will be able to manage them better over time.
Tim is working on a bunker in the basement that he can hide out in until the rage wears off. I'm wondering if it would be safer for everyone if I go live downstairs for the next few weeks. Ugh!
Monday, May 31, 2010
The waiting game
It has been a crazy cycle! I took Femara this month starting on cycle day (CD) 3 through CD7 which was actually back at the end of April. Generally, I ovulate around CD15 or 16, but this month it looks like I didn't ovulate until CD24 which was on 5/20. So here I am 11 days past ovulation (DPO) and my temps are still up, but then, that's not unusual for me. It will probably be another week before I know anything.
TTC is all about waiting, though so you'd think I would be good at it by now. I wait for my ultrasounds, wait to ovulate and then, there's the 2 week wait (well, 3 week wait for me) to find out if our efforts paid off. It's a repetitive process that, after even a few months, gets pretty old.
TTC is all about waiting, though so you'd think I would be good at it by now. I wait for my ultrasounds, wait to ovulate and then, there's the 2 week wait (well, 3 week wait for me) to find out if our efforts paid off. It's a repetitive process that, after even a few months, gets pretty old.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Nope, life's not fair.
So, I've been meaning to add this, but haven't had time yet this week so now you get a double blog day.
Tim and I went to brunch an then the zoo on Sunday for a friends birthday. As I'm sure you can imagine, the zoo on a beautiful Sunday was well, a zoo. The day was filled with watching children and their parents interact, something I try and avoid if I can. Seeing how some parents treat their children is a reminder that life isn't fair. People who either don't deserve to have children, or don't appreciate the children they have never cease to amaze me.
I witnessed small children, maybe 2 or 3 years old, getting hit for minor things and called names like "moron" or "idiot" for making mistakes that little ones make all of the time. It made me really sad, and angry at the parents for not appreciating their children.
I am all for consistency and discipline, but when things are said or done in anger or frustration, they are almost always excessive and unnecessary. I guess a lot of it goes back to how I was raised. My parents spanked my brother and I, but I never felt abused, because they took time to calm down before doing it. I never felt like I was hit out of anger or frustration and I don't believe they spanked us until we were old enough to understand what a spanking meant. I was never called mean names, ever. I can't think of any scenario that would make it OK to call your child a name.
I try and imagine that the parents doing these things likely had this done to them as well. It's no excuse for someone to treat their child that way, but it helps me to deal with my own anger at those parents.
I feel so blessed to have had such wonderful parents growing up and I really believe that Tim and I will be good parents too. I hope that we get the chance to find out someday.
Tim and I went to brunch an then the zoo on Sunday for a friends birthday. As I'm sure you can imagine, the zoo on a beautiful Sunday was well, a zoo. The day was filled with watching children and their parents interact, something I try and avoid if I can. Seeing how some parents treat their children is a reminder that life isn't fair. People who either don't deserve to have children, or don't appreciate the children they have never cease to amaze me.
I witnessed small children, maybe 2 or 3 years old, getting hit for minor things and called names like "moron" or "idiot" for making mistakes that little ones make all of the time. It made me really sad, and angry at the parents for not appreciating their children.
I am all for consistency and discipline, but when things are said or done in anger or frustration, they are almost always excessive and unnecessary. I guess a lot of it goes back to how I was raised. My parents spanked my brother and I, but I never felt abused, because they took time to calm down before doing it. I never felt like I was hit out of anger or frustration and I don't believe they spanked us until we were old enough to understand what a spanking meant. I was never called mean names, ever. I can't think of any scenario that would make it OK to call your child a name.
I try and imagine that the parents doing these things likely had this done to them as well. It's no excuse for someone to treat their child that way, but it helps me to deal with my own anger at those parents.
I feel so blessed to have had such wonderful parents growing up and I really believe that Tim and I will be good parents too. I hope that we get the chance to find out someday.
From if to when to if
Before Tim and I got married and even a little after, we weren't entirely sure that we wanted to have kids. We both like children and we were emotionally and financially stable enough that getting pregnant would be a blessing, but we didn't know how we would handle it. With Tim flying all of the time and me spending my time split between research and my residency, we weren't sure how we would make it work. So, when our conversations turned to having children, we always said if.
As time went on, we both began to feel a strong urge to add a baby to our family and once we decided that it was what we wanted, we changed our if to when. When we have a baby we will... I think that phrase was uttered 500 times in the first 6 months of TTC. We talked about names, we talked about discipline, we talked about traveling and family and all of the things that change when you have a baby, which is pretty much everything.
After we reached the 1 year mark, and I had to officially accept that we were dealing with infertility (IF), I changed my phrases back to if. If we have a baby... If we get pregnant... I can't seem to make myself switch back. The uncertainty that we had at the start of our marriage about having children is back and I hate it. IF has made me if the possibility of children.
One of my good friends noticed this recently and said Could you try saying when? and I just looked at her and said No, I can't. She told me that every time I say if, she is going to insert a mental when because she has faith that it will happen for us somehow, someday. I really hope that she is right. I want my when back.
As time went on, we both began to feel a strong urge to add a baby to our family and once we decided that it was what we wanted, we changed our if to when. When we have a baby we will... I think that phrase was uttered 500 times in the first 6 months of TTC. We talked about names, we talked about discipline, we talked about traveling and family and all of the things that change when you have a baby, which is pretty much everything.
After we reached the 1 year mark, and I had to officially accept that we were dealing with infertility (IF), I changed my phrases back to if. If we have a baby... If we get pregnant... I can't seem to make myself switch back. The uncertainty that we had at the start of our marriage about having children is back and I hate it. IF has made me if the possibility of children.
One of my good friends noticed this recently and said Could you try saying when? and I just looked at her and said No, I can't. She told me that every time I say if, she is going to insert a mental when because she has faith that it will happen for us somehow, someday. I really hope that she is right. I want my when back.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
If I never hear any of these phrases again...
I will be a happy woman.
1. "Don't drink the water"...(this is so overused I can't express it), it also comes in the fun variety of "If you want to get pregnant, you should try the water where I work"
2. "As soon as you stop thinking about it, you'll get pregnant so just stop thinking about it" Um, yeah, that's like telling someone not to think about breathing. This phrase also comes in the form of "you're trying too hard", "you should stop trying" and "you should look into adoption, then you'll get pregnant for sure"
3. "Having a baby is overrated, you should just enjoy being married"
4. "Since you don't have kids, you wouldn't understand..." Yeah, thanks for reminding me. This one comes in several forms too like "you'll understand when you have children" or "you think that is bad, just wait until you have kids"
5. I could also do without the constant "So, any news?" or "Anything new and exciting with you??" This is generally accompanied by raised eyebrows, flared nostrils and an expectant grimace which quickly turns to a frown when I say, "nope, how about you?"
6. "Really, (you're so lucky) my husband just has to look at me and I get pregnant"
For good measure, I'd like to throw in these gems:
"ugh, morning sickness sucks, you have no idea"
"I can't wait until this baby gets out of me" Generally followed by my back hurts, I want a drink, my feet hurt, I'm bloated, I'm tired... Yeah, well, I'm infertile, so I don't want to hear about it.
If you have ever uttered any of these phrases (and yup, I'm guilty of it too), please take a moment to reflect on the effect that they likely had and never use them again.
1. "Don't drink the water"...(this is so overused I can't express it), it also comes in the fun variety of "If you want to get pregnant, you should try the water where I work"
2. "As soon as you stop thinking about it, you'll get pregnant so just stop thinking about it" Um, yeah, that's like telling someone not to think about breathing. This phrase also comes in the form of "you're trying too hard", "you should stop trying" and "you should look into adoption, then you'll get pregnant for sure"
3. "Having a baby is overrated, you should just enjoy being married"
4. "Since you don't have kids, you wouldn't understand..." Yeah, thanks for reminding me. This one comes in several forms too like "you'll understand when you have children" or "you think that is bad, just wait until you have kids"
5. I could also do without the constant "So, any news?" or "Anything new and exciting with you??" This is generally accompanied by raised eyebrows, flared nostrils and an expectant grimace which quickly turns to a frown when I say, "nope, how about you?"
6. "Really, (you're so lucky) my husband just has to look at me and I get pregnant"
For good measure, I'd like to throw in these gems:
"ugh, morning sickness sucks, you have no idea"
"I can't wait until this baby gets out of me" Generally followed by my back hurts, I want a drink, my feet hurt, I'm bloated, I'm tired... Yeah, well, I'm infertile, so I don't want to hear about it.
If you have ever uttered any of these phrases (and yup, I'm guilty of it too), please take a moment to reflect on the effect that they likely had and never use them again.
Letters to my doctor
So, here is the full version of the letters I sent to my previous doctor. I am still so happy that I was finally heard. It feels unprecedented, which is actually kind of sad.
First, my original e-mail-
Dear Dr. -- and other doctors of --:
I expressed concern at my follicle scan this morning regarding the volume of Novarel which is given as a single intramuscular injection. Ten milliliters seemed like an unusually high and unnecessary volume to give IM. When I expressed my concerns, I was told that this medication is given as two, 5 cc injections. I continued to state that this seemed unnecessary, and was told that if I don’t like the dosage, I should take it up with the drug company.
I wanted to inform you that I have in fact contacted the drug company and was told that it is not necessary to give this medication in a 10 cc volume. As they show in the instructional video on their website, it can be reconstituted in as little as 1 cc. (http://www.ferringfertility.com/medications/trainingguide.asp)
Attached is a letter from a nurse at Ferring Pharmaceuticals explaining this as well.
Please, do not continue to give this medication to patients in 10 cc. It causes unnecessary harm.
I will also fax a copy of this letter to your office.
Thank you,
Lisa
E-mail from Ferring:
Thank you for contacting Ferring Pharmaceuticals Clinical Hotline in regards to Novarel. Please see the following in regards to guidelines for the reconstitution of Novarel.
It is recommended that the amount of diluent used to reconstitute NOVAREL is selected on the basis of the dose to be injected.
--For ovulation induction requiring doses of 5000 IU to 10,000 IU, the volumes of diluent usually used for reconstitution are a 1 to 2 mL
--For cryptorchidism or hypogonadotropic hypogonadism requiring doses of 500 IU to 1000 IU, the volumes of diluent usually used for reconstitution are 10 to 20 mL
Thank you
Amy
Then, my final e-mail to the owner of the practice-
Dear Dr. --,
I wanted to tell you that I received your voicemail last night and to let you know how much your call meant to me. As I am sure you know, women going through infertility experience a roller coaster of emotions, but the one feeling that takes hold and will not let go through the entire processes is helplessness.
Feeling like my voice was heard, even if I had to fight harder than I should have, meant more to me than you will ever know. I wish you and the other doctors luck in your practice; however I feel that it is best that I move on to a specialist for my infertility treatments.
I hope you understand.
And last, the reply from the doctor which I just received:
Thank you for your kind reply. One of our beliefs in the physicians need to keep listening and learn from whatever valid source they encounter. Thank you again for being that source. We wish you well with your efforts. You will obviously be a great Mom.
I am now ready to let this go...after I do my happy dance a couple more times.
First, my original e-mail-
Dear Dr. -- and other doctors of --:
I expressed concern at my follicle scan this morning regarding the volume of Novarel which is given as a single intramuscular injection. Ten milliliters seemed like an unusually high and unnecessary volume to give IM. When I expressed my concerns, I was told that this medication is given as two, 5 cc injections. I continued to state that this seemed unnecessary, and was told that if I don’t like the dosage, I should take it up with the drug company.
I wanted to inform you that I have in fact contacted the drug company and was told that it is not necessary to give this medication in a 10 cc volume. As they show in the instructional video on their website, it can be reconstituted in as little as 1 cc. (http://www.ferringfertility.com/medications/trainingguide.asp)
Attached is a letter from a nurse at Ferring Pharmaceuticals explaining this as well.
Please, do not continue to give this medication to patients in 10 cc. It causes unnecessary harm.
I will also fax a copy of this letter to your office.
Thank you,
Lisa
E-mail from Ferring:
Thank you for contacting Ferring Pharmaceuticals Clinical Hotline in regards to Novarel. Please see the following in regards to guidelines for the reconstitution of Novarel.
It is recommended that the amount of diluent used to reconstitute NOVAREL is selected on the basis of the dose to be injected.
--For ovulation induction requiring doses of 5000 IU to 10,000 IU, the volumes of diluent usually used for reconstitution are a 1 to 2 mL
--For cryptorchidism or hypogonadotropic hypogonadism requiring doses of 500 IU to 1000 IU, the volumes of diluent usually used for reconstitution are 10 to 20 mL
Thank you
Amy
Then, my final e-mail to the owner of the practice-
Dear Dr. --,
I wanted to tell you that I received your voicemail last night and to let you know how much your call meant to me. As I am sure you know, women going through infertility experience a roller coaster of emotions, but the one feeling that takes hold and will not let go through the entire processes is helplessness.
Feeling like my voice was heard, even if I had to fight harder than I should have, meant more to me than you will ever know. I wish you and the other doctors luck in your practice; however I feel that it is best that I move on to a specialist for my infertility treatments.
I hope you understand.
And last, the reply from the doctor which I just received:
Thank you for your kind reply. One of our beliefs in the physicians need to keep listening and learn from whatever valid source they encounter. Thank you again for being that source. We wish you well with your efforts. You will obviously be a great Mom.
I am now ready to let this go...after I do my happy dance a couple more times.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)