Foolishly Clinging to False Hope

Well, it looks like our 3rd and final round of injectables/IUI is coming to an end. I had a progesterone level done on Monday last week which was 8 dpIUI. It came back pathetically low (1.5) which means that in all likelihood, I didn't even ovulate this cycle. BUT, I foolishly clung to the hope that it was a lab error or some other equally unlikely explanation that could mean I'm still in the 2ww.

Per my RE's advice, I took a booster HCG injection on Monday. This was 5,000IU of HCG which would help 'keep my progesterone up' LOL-um, yeah---because it's so high! Anyway, I did it, still clinging to that hope. In an embarrassing display of optimism, I began 'testing out my trigger' starting on Wednesday night.

For those who have never had the pleasure of injecting yourself with drugs designed to force ovulation, I'll give you the down-low. The injection given before IUI is called a 'trigger' shot, because it is supposed to trigger the ovulation of mature follicles the same way that LH (leutenizing hormone) does in the unmedicated cycles of 'fortunate' women. Instead of LH, the injection given is HCG (human chorionic gonadotropin) which is the same hormone that home pregnancy tests detect. The trigger shot results in false-positives on HPTs. A general rule of thumb for how long the trigger will cause false positives is, 1,000 IU/day so since my initial shot was 10,000 IU, it should have been gone 10 days following the injection. Since there is variation between individuals, I test out my trigger shots and I have learned that with the 10,000 IU shot, the tests go from positive to negative around 7or 8 days post trigger and the 5,000 IU booster is gone by 6 days post trigger.

Generally, the tests fade from a nice positive (easy to see, no squinting or holding it up to the light--not necessarily as dark as the control) to a faint positive that is difficult to see. Well, the tests that I took from Wed to Saturday morning (5 dpt) were all equally dark, there was little to no evidence that the positive was fading. So of course, I got hopeful and thought that if the test was still nice and positive on Sunday, I would get really excited.

Unfortunately, when I took the test this morning, the line was much less obvious than it had been before. Again, being foolishly hopeful, I still thought that I had a chance. I mean, hey, the trigger is usually gone by now and it's not, that is worth getting excited over, right? Well, then I started cramping and spotting and crying....

I hate this so much. I hate that I have to go through this month after month and I REALLY hate that I let myself get hopeful only to have that hope crushed. Here's a picture of the tests I've taken so far. (yup, I pulled the ones from Wed-Fri out of the garbage to obsess-yet another symptom of foolish optimism)



It looks like we'll be moving onto IVF. Of course there is still that part of me that clings to hope...