I begin to doubt myself.
Over the past 2 1/2 years that we have been trying to conceive, I have gone through a number of self-deprecating emotions. First, I thought I was too fat to have a baby. Then, I thought that if I couldn't get pregnant naturally, it was nature's way of saying I shouldn't be a parent. Most recently, I have begun blaming my faith, or lack thereof, for my infertility. I have noticed for the past year or so that the people in my life who have gotten pregnant seem to be those who believe in a higher power, particularly those who are members of an organized religion.
I'm not going to say that I don't believe in a higher power. I really do think that there is more to life then the time we spend breathing, but I am not a fan of organized religion and I don't spend a lot of time contemplating the mystery of an afterlife. Unfortunately, with this lack of religion, comes a lack of faith. I don't have faith that everything will work out and I don't have the comfort that everything happens for a reason. I can never say "I prayed for this child, and the LORD has granted me what I asked of him." Not because I have never prayed for a child, because even the non-believer in me has thrown my hands up in desperation and asked God for a child, but because I still have that doubt.
I frequently feel like infertility is my punishment for not having faith. I was baptised and I spent enough time in church to think, if there is a God, I'm on his radar and He is pissed that I turned my back on Him. That probably sounds really dumb, but these are the thoughts that creep in when I think about the things that Tim and I have been through.
I don't know why I felt the need to write this. It's just something I have been thinking a lot about lately. I respect people who have faith and there is a big part of me that is jealous of them for having that comfort, that belief, that there is a higher power and He is on their side. It seems like a greedy reason to go back to religion though and I will never be comfortable with man speaking the word of God.