My Ovaries Hate Me

I figured I should post an update since I'm 2 weeks into my cycle. Unfortunately, my ovaries are not responding as well as last cycle. This time last cycle, I had 2 mature follicles and 3 follicles that were close to mature. I triggered on CD13 and did my IUI on CD15. Well, I'm on CD14 this cycle and I don't have any mature follicles. My estrogen has pretty much flat lined and I am feeling completely frustrated. I have an appointment with my RE tomorrow morning to talk about IVF, but I am so scared to even think about taking the next step. I hope that he can lessen my fears a bit so that we can move forward, because I have all but given up hope on this cycle.

I thought I would share a collage that I made to illustrate some of my IF experiences. Pretty much all of the images came from Google searches, so thank you to those who posted pics for me to use. :) One pic was taken by Tim, it's the one in the bottom right corner. Thank you honey!

Here We Go, Again

Got the all clear at the RE's office yesterday. I have a couple of small cysts (under 20 mm) but Dr. Cof didn't seem too concerned. I did my first shot for this cycle yesterday and I go back on Wednesday for my first monitoring appointment. I'm not nearly as stressed about the injections as I was the first month. When I first started I would count down the minutes until 8:30 pm when I did my shot. Now, I have to set an alarm to keep myself from forgetting. I get all of my vials mixed and injected really quickly now and I often try and race the commercials on TV. It's amazing how something that was once so scary has become so normal.

So, here we go again, time to pull the handle...Come on Jackpot!

Addicted to Trying

So CD1 was yesterday. Last cycle is officially over and it ended with tears and heartbreaking sadness. Tim and I spent a long time talking on the morning of CD1 about our decision to take a break cycle and in the end, we just couldn't do it. We don't want to give up, even for a month, and the timing for a break really wasn't right for us. So I go in tomorrow for an u/s. I am so scared that they are going to find a cyst that knocks us out for a month, but all I can do right now is hope for the best.

I honestly believe that TTC with IF is like playing a slot machine in Vegas. You put your money in and then you pull the handle. You stare at the spinning wheels hoping and praying that this time you'll see the bars. This time, you'll see two lines - jackpot. When the wheels stop spinning and it's clear that you got a cherry, a lemon and a bell, you want to just give up, maybe go to another machine or cut your losses entirely and go lay by the pool. BUT there is that part of you that thinks what if the next pull is the winner? How would I feel if I walked away? Would I wonder what would have happened if I pulled that handle one more time?

Only, it's even worse with IF because what you are hoping to gain, the jackpot, is so much more valuable than money. You aren't putting in money, hoping to get more money back, you are giving of yourself, hoping to gain something that can't be quantified. It is priceless. It is life. It is family, your family.

So here we are, about to pull the handle again. Praying for the jackpot.

BFN and Spotting

No good news, just bad news. I tested yesterday and today (10 and 11dpo). Both were BFNs. I spotted a little yesterday which had me clinging to hope that it was implantation, but I'm still spotting today. I think AF will be here very soon.

I am sad beyond measure and feeling very defeated. Tim and I will be taking at least a month off to recover from this roller coaster ride, but we are not ready to give up completely yet. I'll post more when I have the energy.

Woot woot!

I got my 7dpo progesterone level back and it's 32.4! This is very good news and I am trying hard not to read too much into it. It's hard though. I know that progesterone levels only tell you how well you ovulated, they don't tell you if you're pregnant, but I am still so hopeful. I feel like we finally have a chance at getting pregnant. After so many months, we have a chance!!

Angry Ovaries

The past week has been pretty miserable on the IF treatment front. About 3 hours after my IUI on Friday last week, I started having really horrible cramps. Take your breath away, bring tears to your eyes kind of cramps. I thought that maybe it was just from the IUI and so I powered through with Tylenol and deep breathing. Sat and Sun I felt sick to my stomach and had a very full feeling in my lower abdomen. Monday morning, I woke up to extreme pain in my lower abdomen. Now, I'm not going to say that I have a 'high tolerance to pain' BUT I am sure that I have at least an average tolerance. I give myself injections, I get blood drawn often, I tolerate the IUIs, which aren't painless...so I think that I can handle an average amount of pain. The pain that I woke up with was probably a 9 or 10 on the pain scale. I was doubled-over in tears and trying not to throw up. It only lasted about 30 to 45 minutes, but then it continued at maybe a 7 for several more hours. As soon as the REs office was open, I called and left a message. I couldn't believe that this kind of pain was normal and I needed some reassurance.
The nurse at the REs office called me back and said 'Your ovaries are angry right now'. Apparently, my ovaries have become sentient beings which are seeking revenge for the thousands of units of follicle stimulating hormone that they have been stimulated with. I'm not sure exactly what they're doing in there, but it freaking hurts! She also said that I likely have some degree of hyperstimulation which is why I have the full feeling.
I had a similar episode of pain on Tuesday, but Wed and today have been fine. I am really hoping that the pain is gone for good. I still have a full feeling and if I try to stretch out, I get sharp pain. I really hope that everything is ok in there and it will be worth it in the end.
I have my progesterone check tomorrow and I am nervous that I will be disappointed. I always think it's going to be higher than it ends up being. I'm also supposed to booster the trigger shot, but given the pain that I've had, I may hold off. I think I'll let the progesterone level determine that.
Sorry for the wall of text. I haven't been updating much and then there is a bunch to say at once. I'll update with the progesterone as soon as I can. <3

Funny thing happened at the RE's office...

I'm sorry that I haven't updated in a bit. Things have been crazy and I honestly expected to still be stimming like I was last cycle. But I'm not!! I triggered on Wed last week and did an IUI on Friday. I can't believe that I only had to stim for 11 days this cycle and I responded a lot better this time. In fact, I responded to the point where I have mild OHSS and I am in a fair amount of pain :( It sucks, but I am drinking my Gatorade and hoping for the best.

I did have a couple of interesting/funny things happen at my appointments that I have been meaning to share.

The practice I go to has 4 REs. Over the past year I have had all of them for at least one appointment. The REs do all of the monitoring and IUIs, so if my regular doc is out, I get whoever is available. I love my doctor, we'll call him Dr. Cof, because he always says 'come on follicles!'. There are 2 other male doctors who I like ok. They are pleasant enough. And then there is Dr. Lynch (I'll explain why I call her that in a moment).

Dr. Lynch may be bipolar, I'm not really sure. The first time I had her, she was really nice. She was doing my IUI and she introduced herself with confidence, explained that she had loads of experience and would take good care of me. Then she spent a good 10 minutes trying to get the speculum in my hoo-ha and apologizing for having such a hard time. The next time I had her for a monitoring appointment, she was a total b*tch. I don't know who shit in her Cheerios, but I assure you it wasn't me. She was short with Tim and snarky with me and I just wanted to get out of that exam room as quickly as possible.

This cycle, my RE was out of town for the first 9 or 10 days so I had to have Dr. Lynch do my monitoring. Now the odd thing about Dr. Lynch is that she doesn't look under the paper drape when she goes to put in the u/s probe. She just kind of jabs it in there and hopes that it ends up in the right place. I had a monitoring appointment on a Tuesday and she managed to blindly get the probe in with only minor difficulty. This particular brand of difficulty, I might add, generally results in some painful urination in the days to follow. I went back in 3 days later dreading my appointment with Dr. Lynch. Which Dr. Lynch would we get? Would she be nice, confident Dr. Lynch or would she be snarky b*tch Dr. Lynch?? Fortunately, we got the nice Dr. Lynch, UNFORTUNATELY, we got the blind, Dr. Lynch who has no grasp on female anatomy. So here I am, feet in stirrups, waiting for the dreaded dildo-cam. Dr. Lynch blindly jabs the probe in the general vicinity of my nether region only to land squarely on my perineum. Ok, I came here for an ultrasound, not to get my salad tossed lady, WTF are you doing? I tried to scoot my butt down to help guide her in the right direction, but NO, she keeps jabbing me and getting dangerously close to an opening which is clearly marked as exit only. I put my hand up and told her that she wasn't even close to the target. Her response "I didn't have any trouble doing this on Tuesday" UMMM OK? I'm pretty sure that my anatomy has not changed drastically in the last 3 days so don't look at me like your ineptitude is my fault. Shockingly, once she actually looked under the drape, she found her target pretty quickly.
So, for those of you who haven't caught on to why I call her Dr. Lynch, rent the movie Knocked Up, watch the scene where Jane Lynch plays an OB/Gyn-all will be clear. (I tried to find a clip for you, but no such luck)

At the risk of droning on too long,I'll share one more funny story from this cycle. Dr. Cof was back in time for my IUI (thank GOD). He is a funny, kinda dorky guy who is really personable and talks all the time while he's doing stuff which I love. Tim comes with me to all of my appointments and this one was no exception. We were waiting in the room when Dr. Cof came in and confirmed that the 'sample' that was going to be making a long trip down a warm path was indeed Tim's. Then Dr. Cof asked Tim if he could move the lamp that was next to my bed down towards my feet so that he could see. I made a comment like 'I'm thinking you might need that' and he said 'we call that war-zone medicine when we try to do procedures without proper lighting'.... I couldn't resist, it just came out... I said 'Down in the trenches huh?' Dr. Cof turned bright red and held his hands up, laughed loudly and said 'Let the record show, you took it THERE I didn't' LOL I<3 Dr. Cof! LOL