Well, September was a bust and I am super bummed. :(
I was really depressed on Friday after yet another BFN and then I started spotting on Saturday which killed any bit of hope I had left for the cycle. I had a wonderful martini on Saturday night and a margarita yesterday as consolation prizes, but ya know, they don't quite cut the pain of a failed cycle. (they were tasty though...)
As for this cycle, we have to sit it out which is absolutely the worst. I will be in Baltimore at a meeting for work from CD14-CD18 so my RE said it wasn't worth doing any meds this cycle. It's so incredibly frustrating to sit out, particularly when we really don't want to.
In the mean time, I'll try and come up with some fun/funny things to post about to help the time go by, but today, I'm still sulking.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Thursday, October 14, 2010
The Women Who Stare at Pregnancy Tests
I have become a member of a very elite group of women. We are the women who stare at pregnancy tests a la The Men Who Stare at Goats. I don’t know how it happened, one day I was taking a pregnancy test, as I so often do, and it was negative, as…well…it ALWAYS is, and I proceeded to stare at it for an inordinately long period of time. I don’t know what prompted this behavior, but it has now become a part of my routine when I POAS. {Technically, I pee in a cup (PIAC), but the acronym doesn’t roll of the keyboard as nicely so I type POAS instead.} So anyway…I POAS, I use the “internet cheapies”, and I wait maybe 10 seconds for the control line to show up. Then, I pick up the stick and proceed to stare at it for at least 5 minutes WILLING it to be positive. I haven’t quite gotten one to turn yet, but I think I've almost got it. Until then, I will keep practicing. For anyone else who is interested in becoming a member of this elite club, here are some step-by-step instructions. You too, can be one of the women who stare at pregnancy tests.
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Waiting
Waiting is what women with IF do. We don't always do it well, but we don't really get much of a choice. We wait for AF, we wait to ovulate, then there's the 2ww which feels more like a 2 month wait sometimes.
I'm in an odd in-between kind of wait right now. I had an IUI on Friday which was not pleasant, but no one was seriously injured in the process so I guess it was a success.
The hard part is that I don't even know if I ovulated this month. I had several follie scans, the last one being Monday, and they showed multiple follicles, but none of them were overwhelming in size. Tim gave me a trigger shot on Wednesday hoping that the follies would be big enough to ovulate by Friday when we did the IUI.
I've been temping to try and keep track of things in hopes that I would be able to confirm ovulation, but my temp shift has been kind of pekid so far. So now I have to wait until Friday to get bloodwork to check my progesterone level. If the level is at least 10, then I ovulated. Over 15 and the RE will be pretty happy with the strength of the ovulation.
Another odd, in-between...I am testing out my trigger shot. See, the trigger is an injection of HCG which is the same chemical that HPTs detect in urine during pregnancy which means as long as the HCG from the shot is in my system, I will get false positives on HPTs. So, I took a test yesterday and it was positive and I will keep testing every day until I get a negative. That way, if I get another positive test after that, I'll know it's the real-deal.
The crazy thing is, I stared at that false positive for at least 5 minutes. Almost willing it to be real and true. We have been trying to have a baby now for 21 months and that is the first positive test I have seen. I hope I get to see a true positive someday.
I'm in an odd in-between kind of wait right now. I had an IUI on Friday which was not pleasant, but no one was seriously injured in the process so I guess it was a success.
The hard part is that I don't even know if I ovulated this month. I had several follie scans, the last one being Monday, and they showed multiple follicles, but none of them were overwhelming in size. Tim gave me a trigger shot on Wednesday hoping that the follies would be big enough to ovulate by Friday when we did the IUI.
I've been temping to try and keep track of things in hopes that I would be able to confirm ovulation, but my temp shift has been kind of pekid so far. So now I have to wait until Friday to get bloodwork to check my progesterone level. If the level is at least 10, then I ovulated. Over 15 and the RE will be pretty happy with the strength of the ovulation.
Another odd, in-between...I am testing out my trigger shot. See, the trigger is an injection of HCG which is the same chemical that HPTs detect in urine during pregnancy which means as long as the HCG from the shot is in my system, I will get false positives on HPTs. So, I took a test yesterday and it was positive and I will keep testing every day until I get a negative. That way, if I get another positive test after that, I'll know it's the real-deal.
The crazy thing is, I stared at that false positive for at least 5 minutes. Almost willing it to be real and true. We have been trying to have a baby now for 21 months and that is the first positive test I have seen. I hope I get to see a true positive someday.
Monday, September 27, 2010
Don't Forget to Relax!
I had another monitoring appointment today. My follicles are being stubborn and haven't gotten much bigger. It looks like we'll be triggering Wednesday night and doing IUI Friday morning. I think Tim is more nervous than I am about the injection. I'm sure he'll do fine though.
Anyone who has been through IF has heard the phrase "just relax" or "don't stress" or "maybe you're just tyring too hard". Let me just say. These phrases do nothing but make me more tense and irritated. I don't know how or why someone thinks that relaxation is the key to pregnancy and that I am somehow "trying too hard" to get pregnant. Unless you see me standing on the docks waiting for a group of random sailors on shore leave, I'm not trying too hard.
Let's take a moment and think about stress. Think about animals which are under a lot of stress all of the time. What comes to mind? I'm going to venture a guess that the animals are not those at the top of the food chain, but rather prey animals like mice and rabbits and even deer. Hmmm...something tells me that their stress levels haven't had a major impact on their ability to procreate.
One of the funniest examples of the stress --> no baby stories I have is from this past spring. I was having lunch with a couple of my coworkers, one of whom was pregnant and the other has a young daughter. They both know that we have been struggling to conceive and frequently ask the "any news?" question when I see them.
On this particular day, the one with the young daughter was asking me what treatment we were currently undergoing. I told her, femara. She said "oh, that's the one that will give you like 5 kids at once, right?" Um, no. She then starts asking me about my stress level and how the treatments must be really hard on me and dealing with work and everything on top of it must be really stressful. I know exactly where this is going and I decide that I will hit her with a dead end in the conversation, but alas, she outwits me.
Here's how it played out.
Her: Wow, with all of this stuff going on in your life, it must be really stressful for you...
Me: Not really, actually. I have a wonderful husband, supportive parents and work is going pretty well.
Her: Really, you don't feel stressed?
Me: Nope, not at all. I'm all good.
Her: Hmmmmm. Well maybe you should try and get MORE stressed. I've heard that stress can have an effect on getting pregnant so if you aren't stressed, maybe you should be more stressed.
Me: Blank f-ing stare. I kid you not.
I mean really, what do you say to that? I think I said ok, maybe I'll do that, I'm not sure though because so much of my focus was directed at not letting my head implode. After that conversation, the geek in me wrote out what I believe to be the mathamatical equation for what she said. Here it is:
ΔStress α P(KU)
For those who aren't mathmatically inclined. That means a change in stress is directly proportinal to the probability of getting knocked up. Now go forth and change your stress!
Anyone who has been through IF has heard the phrase "just relax" or "don't stress" or "maybe you're just tyring too hard". Let me just say. These phrases do nothing but make me more tense and irritated. I don't know how or why someone thinks that relaxation is the key to pregnancy and that I am somehow "trying too hard" to get pregnant. Unless you see me standing on the docks waiting for a group of random sailors on shore leave, I'm not trying too hard.
Let's take a moment and think about stress. Think about animals which are under a lot of stress all of the time. What comes to mind? I'm going to venture a guess that the animals are not those at the top of the food chain, but rather prey animals like mice and rabbits and even deer. Hmmm...something tells me that their stress levels haven't had a major impact on their ability to procreate.
One of the funniest examples of the stress --> no baby stories I have is from this past spring. I was having lunch with a couple of my coworkers, one of whom was pregnant and the other has a young daughter. They both know that we have been struggling to conceive and frequently ask the "any news?" question when I see them.
On this particular day, the one with the young daughter was asking me what treatment we were currently undergoing. I told her, femara. She said "oh, that's the one that will give you like 5 kids at once, right?" Um, no. She then starts asking me about my stress level and how the treatments must be really hard on me and dealing with work and everything on top of it must be really stressful. I know exactly where this is going and I decide that I will hit her with a dead end in the conversation, but alas, she outwits me.
Here's how it played out.
Her: Wow, with all of this stuff going on in your life, it must be really stressful for you...
Me: Not really, actually. I have a wonderful husband, supportive parents and work is going pretty well.
Her: Really, you don't feel stressed?
Me: Nope, not at all. I'm all good.
Her: Hmmmmm. Well maybe you should try and get MORE stressed. I've heard that stress can have an effect on getting pregnant so if you aren't stressed, maybe you should be more stressed.
Me: Blank f-ing stare. I kid you not.
I mean really, what do you say to that? I think I said ok, maybe I'll do that, I'm not sure though because so much of my focus was directed at not letting my head implode. After that conversation, the geek in me wrote out what I believe to be the mathamatical equation for what she said. Here it is:
ΔStress α P(KU)
For those who aren't mathmatically inclined. That means a change in stress is directly proportinal to the probability of getting knocked up. Now go forth and change your stress!
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Bare assed and waiting
I am so sorry that I haven't been updating my blog. There hasn't been much exciting going on and I didn't want to bore you all with every detail.
As it stands, I am halfway through another Femara cycle with hopes to do IUI this month.
I went in today for my first follicle scan.
For those who haven't had the pleasure of a follicle scan, let me give you a play-by-play of my appointment today:
10:00 am- Arrive, on time for my scan and shell out $$ to the "front receptionist" before being sent to "the back"
10:02 am- Take a seat in the "back"--I'm not sure why there are 2 waiting rooms, but this one is more cozy and there were 5 other people sitting around trying not to make eye contact.
10:09 am- Nurse puts me in a room and tells me to remove my clothes below the waist assuring me that the doctor will be in shortly.
10:10am-10:18 am- Strip down and sit on the exam table making small talk with my hubby, feeling excited and nervous about what the ultrasound may show
10:19am-10:25 am- Ran out of small talk, still sitting bare assed, getting annoyed...
10:25am-10:31 am- Still bare assed and bitching about being bare assed when the doctor walks in, oops.
10:31am-10:39 am- Doc takes a phallic ultrasound a shoves it up my vag. This is followed by some discussion about little follies and a tumor on my right ovary, then rooting around for my left ovary which is apparently "shy"
10:40 am - Sent back to "the back"
10:42 am - Met with nurse to schedule another magical follie scan on Monday with much discussion about our need to have lots of sex in the mean time - blush -
So in case you skipped that, there's not much to report. I had 4 or 5 little follies on the right along with my new friend, teratoma...it wasn't any bigger than last time, I don't think, but it's still freaky to know that I have a tumor on my ovary.
I really don't understand why I have to drop trou' before the doctor comes into the exam room. Maybe it's supposed to save them time, but really why should I sit there bare assed and waiting for upwards of 20 minutes? They don't even have real blankets, just these little paper squares that barely cover anything. Oh, and can I also add...The longer I sit there naked from the waist down, the more likely I am to get the urge to pee. That makes for a very uncomfortable dildo cam date. :0)
As it stands, I am halfway through another Femara cycle with hopes to do IUI this month.
I went in today for my first follicle scan.
For those who haven't had the pleasure of a follicle scan, let me give you a play-by-play of my appointment today:
10:00 am- Arrive, on time for my scan and shell out $$ to the "front receptionist" before being sent to "the back"
10:02 am- Take a seat in the "back"--I'm not sure why there are 2 waiting rooms, but this one is more cozy and there were 5 other people sitting around trying not to make eye contact.
10:09 am- Nurse puts me in a room and tells me to remove my clothes below the waist assuring me that the doctor will be in shortly.
10:10am-10:18 am- Strip down and sit on the exam table making small talk with my hubby, feeling excited and nervous about what the ultrasound may show
10:19am-10:25 am- Ran out of small talk, still sitting bare assed, getting annoyed...
10:25am-10:31 am- Still bare assed and bitching about being bare assed when the doctor walks in, oops.
10:31am-10:39 am- Doc takes a phallic ultrasound a shoves it up my vag. This is followed by some discussion about little follies and a tumor on my right ovary, then rooting around for my left ovary which is apparently "shy"
10:40 am - Sent back to "the back"
10:42 am - Met with nurse to schedule another magical follie scan on Monday with much discussion about our need to have lots of sex in the mean time - blush -
So in case you skipped that, there's not much to report. I had 4 or 5 little follies on the right along with my new friend, teratoma...it wasn't any bigger than last time, I don't think, but it's still freaky to know that I have a tumor on my ovary.
I really don't understand why I have to drop trou' before the doctor comes into the exam room. Maybe it's supposed to save them time, but really why should I sit there bare assed and waiting for upwards of 20 minutes? They don't even have real blankets, just these little paper squares that barely cover anything. Oh, and can I also add...The longer I sit there naked from the waist down, the more likely I am to get the urge to pee. That makes for a very uncomfortable dildo cam date. :0)
Monday, August 23, 2010
Then they do...
It’s been a hard day today. Not for any obvious reasons, although they are there, just like every day. It’s the little things that get me down more than anything lately.
I was driving into work this morning and a song came on the radio “Then they do” by Trace Adkins. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G-SAP8BFNkQ It’s a sweet song about children growing up too fast. I never paid much attention to that song before, but it hit me hard today. I was overcome by the realization that for every month we don’t get pregnant, it’s a month lost with my child on the other end of my life. I am 32 now, my mom died when she was 45 and I was 20, still a junior in college. She never saw me graduate, never saw me buy my first house, never saw me become a veterinarian, never saw me get married and she never got to meet her grandbabies (my brother is expecting the birth of his son any day now) Every month that I spent with her was precious, particularly at the end when I knew her life was ending.
Every month that we don’t get pregnant is another month that my child will have to live without his or her mommy and daddy. So many times when I think of the time pressure to have a child, I focus on my age and the risks that may come with waiting too long to have a baby. This is the first time that I thought about the other side of it. What if we have a baby when I’m 33, and I die at 45 like my mom? That child will only be 12 years old. Who will teach her about being a woman? Who will teach him how to dance?
I know it’s senseless to think of these things. I can’t change my age and hell I may live to be 100, but I can’t shake this funk. I feel hopeless. There is a weight of sadness that I can’t shake today. I think it’s been worse since we took a month (almost two) off. I need to feel like I’m doing something to try and get pregnant. I hate this feeling of stagnation and it makes me want to cry to think of that time lost. The precious time with a baby that is somewhere waiting for us.
I was driving into work this morning and a song came on the radio “Then they do” by Trace Adkins. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G-SAP8BFNkQ It’s a sweet song about children growing up too fast. I never paid much attention to that song before, but it hit me hard today. I was overcome by the realization that for every month we don’t get pregnant, it’s a month lost with my child on the other end of my life. I am 32 now, my mom died when she was 45 and I was 20, still a junior in college. She never saw me graduate, never saw me buy my first house, never saw me become a veterinarian, never saw me get married and she never got to meet her grandbabies (my brother is expecting the birth of his son any day now) Every month that I spent with her was precious, particularly at the end when I knew her life was ending.
Every month that we don’t get pregnant is another month that my child will have to live without his or her mommy and daddy. So many times when I think of the time pressure to have a child, I focus on my age and the risks that may come with waiting too long to have a baby. This is the first time that I thought about the other side of it. What if we have a baby when I’m 33, and I die at 45 like my mom? That child will only be 12 years old. Who will teach her about being a woman? Who will teach him how to dance?
I know it’s senseless to think of these things. I can’t change my age and hell I may live to be 100, but I can’t shake this funk. I feel hopeless. There is a weight of sadness that I can’t shake today. I think it’s been worse since we took a month (almost two) off. I need to feel like I’m doing something to try and get pregnant. I hate this feeling of stagnation and it makes me want to cry to think of that time lost. The precious time with a baby that is somewhere waiting for us.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
I should have asked my Spirit Guide
The good news: I'm done with the written portion of my candidacy exam. I don't think I completely bombed it and I will hopefully have a chance to redeem myself at the oral exam in two weeks.
The bad news: I'm pretty sure I didn't ovulate this month. I kept taking my temps because, well, I'm anal retentive and I have to know what's going on with my body.
The really bad news: I called my RE to try and get an appointment for next week to start the next round of treatments, but I couldn't get in for 2 weeks.
The worst news: I am feeling a lot of PMS stuff going on and I strongly suspect AF will be here in the next day or two. Since most of my treatments need to be started by CD3, I may miss my window and have to wait ANOTHER cycle before starting treatment again.
If only I had consulted my spirit guide a little sooner, maybe all of this angst could have been prevented. After all, isn't it better to know when things are shit rather than just guessing and wondering? I think so.
Me: Oh spirit guide, will Aunt Flo be visiting me this weekend and ruining my plans???
Spirit guide: Of course she will! You are going to be traveling and visiting with family and her arrival would be at the most inconvenient time. Why do you even need to ask?
Me: Gee, thanks. I can't wait for what promises to be a most inconvenient period.
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