Friday, July 23, 2010

The Evolution of Thoughts

When I was 10 years younger, I often said things like "I would never get fertility treatments. If I can't get pregnant naturally, than having my own child isn't meant to be" or "it's Darwinism, we shouldn't screw with nature". These thoughts are one of the main reasons why I never talked about wanting children.
When Tim and I were dating and getting serious about marriage, I told him that I would most likely not be able to have children. Since I was diagnosed with PCOS when I was pretty young I knew pregnancy would be difficult.
Tim was ok with not having children and I felt strongly that I shouldn't get hung up on wanting something that I couldn't have. The problem was that I already wanted it, I just never said it out loud.
As I got older, I became more comfortable with the idea of trying to have a child and seeing where our attempt would take us. I hadn't made any decisions about treatment, but I was at least willing to say that I wanted children.

The path of infertility treatment isn't direct, it's step-wise for most couples. You start of trying on your own, then move onto the soft stuff like clomid. Clomid leads to trigger shots and IUI and then, if that isn't successful, the hard stuff comes; full-on injectable cycles and IVF.
Just as the treatments are step-wise, my opinions about how far I am willing to go to get pregnant change in small increments over time. I now feel comfortable with taking clomid, doing trigger shots and IUI and I have no qualms about moving to IVF if these treatments don't work. I don't think that my willingness to pursue treatments to achieve pregnancy is an act of desperation, but rather an increased understanding of some basic life truths.

First, Darwinism doesn't exist in modern humanity. "Fitness" as described by Darwin relates to physical characteristics; if you can't outrun the lion, you will be eaten. "Fitness" as described by the people of child and family service is more related to ability to care for a child. A "fit" parent is emotionally and financially stable and will raise their child to be productive members of society. If physical limitations to pregnancy can be overcome with treatment, than why not pursue those treatments?

Second, there is no "meant to be". I don't know where this phrase came from, but I wish it would go away. If someone cannot get pregnant naturally, hearing the phrase "it wasn't meant to be" is like dumping a salt into a gaping wound. If "meant to be" really existed, than there would be no children to adopt or abortions. If "meant to be" really existed, no child would suffer at the hands of an abusive parent. If "meant to be" really existed, than Tim and I would have a baby by now.

Finally, wanting to have a biological child is selfish, but that doesn't make it wrong. I get so irritated with people who say that women with IF should stop being so selfish and just adopt. Couples dealing with infertility are no more selfish than anyone else out there trying to conceive. We only want what everyone else has, no more, no less. We want a chance to have a child with daddy's eyes and mommy's nose. We want to see the people we love in our child and yes, that is selfish, but it's human nature and it's not wrong and I will not apologize for wanting it.

For those of you who made it through this loooong post, you deserve a cookie :)

This is Lisa, stepping off her soapbox. Thanks for reading!


  1. (hugs) Oh and where's my cookie? I didn't know there was a finishing bonus!!

  2. I'll bring you one on Monday :)