Addicted to Trying

So CD1 was yesterday. Last cycle is officially over and it ended with tears and heartbreaking sadness. Tim and I spent a long time talking on the morning of CD1 about our decision to take a break cycle and in the end, we just couldn't do it. We don't want to give up, even for a month, and the timing for a break really wasn't right for us. So I go in tomorrow for an u/s. I am so scared that they are going to find a cyst that knocks us out for a month, but all I can do right now is hope for the best.

I honestly believe that TTC with IF is like playing a slot machine in Vegas. You put your money in and then you pull the handle. You stare at the spinning wheels hoping and praying that this time you'll see the bars. This time, you'll see two lines - jackpot. When the wheels stop spinning and it's clear that you got a cherry, a lemon and a bell, you want to just give up, maybe go to another machine or cut your losses entirely and go lay by the pool. BUT there is that part of you that thinks what if the next pull is the winner? How would I feel if I walked away? Would I wonder what would have happened if I pulled that handle one more time?

Only, it's even worse with IF because what you are hoping to gain, the jackpot, is so much more valuable than money. You aren't putting in money, hoping to get more money back, you are giving of yourself, hoping to gain something that can't be quantified. It is priceless. It is life. It is family, your family.

So here we are, about to pull the handle again. Praying for the jackpot.